Because my family wasn’t well connected with any of the churches we attended throughout my childhood and years in high school, I didn’t have many older people or mentors in my life. But for twelve years I did participate in AWANA, a Bible club that emphasizes Scripture memorization. Aside from my Christian parents and experience at church, this was where I received “grounding” for my faith.

Not once during my time as a Cubby, Sparky, Guard, JVer, or high school LIT did I remember having a discussion with an adult about the love of God for me and others, how to have a relationship with Him, or about the Holy Spirit alive within us. What I do remember: As a fifth grader, reciting Isaiah 64.6 by memory and stumbling through “all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags” because there were so many s’s in “righteousnesses.” As a fifth and sixth grade Guard, being extremely competitive, I was there for the game circle, points, and prizes. If memorizing verses was going to make the Green team win, then I was going to recite them!

In our AWANA handbooks, my least favorite section was the one where we were required to invite a friend to AWANA or church. My family was going to New Hope Christian Fellowship at this time, and every year I would muster up the courage to ask my 70-year-old great Uncle Bill to come to the huge Easter Service that would take place in the Blaisdell Stadium. With skits, singers, confetti, dancers with colorful ribbon, and a short message, perhaps, Uncle Bill encountered God through this vibrant interpretation of the Gospel? Once my sister and I got both Uncle Bill and Grandma to come to church. This meant double points, of course!

In junior high, I started wearing bandanas around my forehead like a motorcycle ganster and would make fun (in my head) of the girls who used glittery eye shadow. My favorite color was orange because I knew no one liked it. I even bought a pair of orange pants from the boys section in Gap that I would wear with my orange shirt my dad bought me during our family vacation in Maui. I was proud that my convict-style fashion was my thing as it definitely was no one else’s. I started losing interest in AWANA because we’d play outdoor games like volleyball, a sport I still don’t like to play to this day. I would get excited on Capture the Flag nights, but sooner or later we’d go inside and talk about serious stuff, most of which I can’t recall now. I do remember learning about becoming a new creation and the illustrations in our handbooks about putting on new clothes. I’m not sure if it meant very much to me. I liked my clothes. I like my camouflage-print bandana.

AWANA Scholarship Camp at Camp Erdman the summer before my freshman year of high school was one of the best summers of my life. It was the third time I would be going to camp, and I remember counting down the days till leaving for the North Shore. I just wanted the Blue team to win, to pour extra-large pixie sugar sticks down my throat, and make the best cardboard boat to race in the pool. I still wasn’t comfortable singing worship songs then, especially the new part of “I Could Sing of Your Love Forever.” I didn’t feel like dancing, it was foolishness I know! At every scholarship camp, campers were to memorize a passage of the Bible by the end of the week. I believe I can still recite Ephesians 6.10-18 by heart . . . in New King James. Mrs. Fukunaga was my camp counselor twice in a row, and I remember her telling me to come into our cabin after quiet hours because I was fooling around outside with my glow sticks. I would reminicse for days after coming home from camp about all the fun I had, remembering each day’s bliss.

Then high school Trin. I cut my hair a few inches short, died in red, spiked it, and painted my finger nails black. One of my favorite things to do was to go to Windward Mall with my sisters and buy their 10 for $5 spiked earrings, bracelets, and chokers. I’ve kept one of my bracelets from my punk years to remember how silly I once was. But AWANA was a complete drag. There were no more games, and I still wanted to play. I guess I didn’t want to grow up just yet. I remember getting so bored sitting in our half-circle, half-listening to all the smart kids who would go on and on about all that they knew about Romans. I remember not being confident reading out loud, so I would get really nervous whenever I was asked to read something from our workbooks or the Bible. I became really embarrassed once because I continually stumbled on the word “firmament,” which unfortunately appears three times in Genesis 1.7.

Part of our requirements was to read the entire Bible within our four years in the high school program and to write a short summary for each book we read. I remember my senior year, as I cranked out the summaries, I’d skim a book, pick out a verse I liked, and write a really nice paragraph about it with personal application. Mrs. Hepburn loved them and would always return them to me with smily faces and notes about how impressed she was by my writing. By the end of year, I would have been ready to preach a series of proof-texted mini-sermons. I was that good.

To fulfill the service part of my requirement for the high school program, I became a Leader-in-Training or LIT. After our high school gathering, we would help with the younger AWANA clubbers or “Gray Shirts,” listening to them recite their verses, signing off on their sections, and giving them AWANA bucks to spend at the store. Once I remember one of the fifth graders, Akela, and I standing on the Red team line all straight and tall as the whistle blew three times. She looked over at me and whispered, “Hey! I’m taller than you!” Not funny. During this time as an LIT, I wasn’t taught anything about discipleship or mentoring those younger than me. I don’t remember feeling particularly loving towards any of the fifth graders I hung out with every week. I just showed up and followed the program because that’s what good Christian leaders do, ya know?

As a high schooler I became increasing emo despite my hair growing longer and the lessening of black jelly bracelets and spiky jewelry. Towards my junior and senior years, I became consumed with academics and disconnected from friends who I no longer had much in common with. Feeling very alone, I remember journaling a lot and describing my frustration with myself, God, and family in writing. AWANA was something I wanted to hurriedly get done. Although I wanted to stop going, my mom encouraged me to stick with it as it wouldn’t look good to put on my college resume that I failed to finish all four years of the high school program. I was struggling more than I knew with figuring out who I was, who God was to me, and with my lack of purpose and hope.

It was during my sophomore year that I started taking drama classes with a couple, Josiah and Bethany, who were recent graduates from Seattle Pacific University. They were the coolest people I knew, and I loved drama and improv. Josiah and Bethany were fun, knew more than I did about life, and they were younger than my parents. For the short period of time that they were in Hawaii, they both had a big influence on me as my drama coaches and friends. Bethany invited a few of the drama class girls over to her house one evening a week to talk and hang out. I think we may have gone through a book or the Bible together. I don’t remember what we talked about during those times, but I was being sought out intentionally for the first time. I don’t remember Bethany necessary seeking me out individually, but I knew she cared about me in her desire to spend time with us. I ended up writing about her for one of my college essays for Westmont after she had moved back to the mainland.

This was not supposed to be a 1,467-word post. I had started out with the intention of writing about my experience and purpose at La Cumbre Junior High. But I couldn’t start writing about my role there without first reflecting on my own discipleship experience as a youth. I cannot thank God enough for my loving parents, the wonderful friends I have, and my incredible community. It’s interesting though for me to look back and to see the ways Christian youth-equipping programs succeed or fail in building up young disciples. It’s encouraging for me to look back and remember those who really did encourage and empower me as a youth. I realize that it wasn’t through programmatic discipleship that I grew the most in my understanding of and in my relationship with God; rather, it was more often the genuine, caring stranger who made the biggest difference.

In all this, I’m discovering a deeper hope in the incarnate Christ, who revealed to us the loving nature of God and modeled true friendship. I’m praying for me, I’m praying for you, I’m praying for our city and our world – that there will be so much more of Him in our lives. So much to ponder – the past, the present, the future. So much to rejoice over and cry about. My heart thirsts for His understanding.

I think that God uses doors if we aren’t in good communication with him. If we aren’t in relationship, we have to be herded like cattle. I agree that there is grace, because we are like cattle a lot. But I do think we are to be in relationship with God, and that confirmation and waiting for it is about being in relationship . . .

I have a lot of friends who live by the “doors” theory, but I think what it comes down to is not rightly understanding first that they are in relationship with God, and second that they are loved. God wants to lead and treat us as sons and daughters, not as cattle, but we fail to participate in that relationship. I do think you’re right about the key being focusing on God rather than doors, but I think the focus also needs to be on your relationship with Him as His beloved daughter. He wants us to ask, to seek, to listen, to spend time with Him and wait for His way for us because it’s the best. We’re loved. He wants to give us everything, to write the beautiful story He has for us with no stops, to press in to Him and walk where He leads because He loves us, really loves us, and wants so much to give us and have us walk in everything He has for us to the fullest extent possible. Israel kept going the wrong way, and He kept herding them like cattle and redeeming them. Imagine if they did not disobey? The story would have been even more beautiful. They would have had all that He had written for them to the extent He wanted them to have it.

I realize that life has been easy for me thus far. There have been few barriers preventing me from getting what I want in life. A few of my friends and I are now in a place of realizing that God is relentless in His desire for us to be within His will. We want to hear His voice and to be confident of His specific leading. But we, who have been and may still be skeptical of the child-like, reckless faith of others, don’t really know what this looks like in practical day-to-day life.

I remember the last time I waited in uncomfortable silence for God to bring clarity was when I sought Him in my decision to become head RA in my last semester at Westmont. I didn’t receive clarity to decide one way or the other, and I still don’t completely know if taking the position was His will. I can see a lot of good that came from serving in this way. And although I do believe the truth of Ephesians 1.11, I’m hesitate to use “God will turn all things for good” as an excuse to not wait upon Him.

Looking back now and remembering the pressure of the four-day span of time I had to decide, I realize that it was silly to expect God to “show up” for a big life decision when I hadn’t been in conversation with Him in prior steps. It is not that He isn’t there and refuses to direct me, but my heart must first be tuned to hear His voice. Our ability to interpret correctly His voice is determined by His Spirit at work in us, by our willingness to keep in step with the Spirit consistently, and to listen to His voice. Guess there is something to be said for practicing God’s presence.

I’ve come to realize that it’s less about the doors that we walk through then it is about the direction we’re going and the condition of our hearts. A preoccupation with doors is bound to get us wrapped up in ourselves again rather than focusing on our transcendent and immanent God.

Would love to hear your thoughts, friend.

At the end of last month, I woke up early on a workday and began writing. I wrote furiously and ended up with a long, numbered list of 30 things God has taught me in this past year about ministry – lessons I have learned through my weakness and obstinacy and because of His great love for me. I can say confidently that indeed I am small minded, pitiful, and unable without His abiding Spirit. I can do nothing without Him. And I hope to always become more confident in proclaiming His love in my life.

30 Reasons Why Ministry May Become Burdensome and May Lead to Burn Out

1. You have forgotten God’s love for you; yet, you forge ahead in ministry. You want to be “used by God,” and you forget that He has the relentless desire for an intimate relationship with you.

2. Additionally, you have forgotten God doesn’t want or need your good works without you first knowing His love. He wants to hold His child’s hand.

3. You aren’t supported by a community of saints. I want to say this is necessary for fruitful ministry, but then I think about missionaries who go to isolated communities overseas. Whether or not there is an immediate community of support, God will provide spiritual encouragement and tangible help for you if you are where He wants you to be. If not by brothers and sisters then by His Spirit.

4. You’re waiting for “doors to open” in one hallway when He wants you to start opening them in the building across the street. I do believe in the battling ram of prayer, and we must also be keen in knowing that faithful persistence follows God’s will not the agenda of a ministry program. Be willing to be led by His Spirit.

5. You’re following a ministry structure or an organization’s program that limits His power rather than reveals His glory. Many stories of this from this past year!

6. You are laboring from a place of guilt, feeling the need to perform and meet the expectations of an organization, others, and/or the unrealistic expectations you place on yourself. You begin using the word “sacrifice” often, feeling no joy in serving and dreading “doing ministry.”

7. You are not prayerful. The love you have for others and for your Lord is not birthed from crying out to Him that you are incapable of loving apart from your Father.

8. You are waiting to be “called” and feel lost and purposeless. You show up at His throne of grace but you won’t knell before Him till He gives you a definite assignment for your life. You will be waiting all your life, friend. Only in facedown surrender, when you are tearstained and pressed into the carpets, will His voice become clear to you.

9. You have an emotional/spiritual disconnect between faith and obedience. God has not yet woven together your belief in Him and given you the desire to please and live a life worthy of His calling. I think this may come from lack of understanding fully Christ’s sacrifice on the cross.

10. You find yourself struggling with guilt for not doing enough in your limited time. You begin making excuses for yourself to do less rather than being joyful in the time you can give towards a specific ministry. Thanks to Mike Schwartz for helping me realize this, along with many other important things pals can teach each other.

11. You do not see your entire life as sacred and belonging to your Lord. Holy is the Lord. Holy is the time you spend in prayer. Holy is the time you spend with your roommates. Holy is the time you spend in the office. Holy and sacred are the lives to which we are called.

12. You don’t listen enough to The Glorious Unseen. Especially good on rainy Santa Barbara days with Trader Joes Christmas tea.

13. You are not confronting problems within your ministry organization or with those you labor with in ministry. You allow your bitterness and anger to fester, and this seeps toxically into your ministry. Righteousness becomes competitive. Stop at this point, confront, and reconcile. Thank you, Sarah Morris and Michael Schwartz, for encouraging me to do this better.

14. After a series of disappointments, you lose hope and become apathetic. You have forgotten that God is powerful, that He is jealous for His children, that He is moving even when you cannot see Him.

15. You cannot see your ministry as fruiltful without you. You have become so full of pride that God has been kicked out of the picture altogether. You need to place God back on the throne where He belongs. A good place to start is to practice praying for the people in your life and the place where you want to see God moving with complete reliance on Him, without mention of the work you will do.

16. You have fallen into a Spirit-less routine. You show up and leave without being transformed. There is no deepening sense of God’s love for you and for His people. Then you must fall before His throne of grace again and ask for renewal. He’ll give this to you, friend.

17. You suck at what you do. Really, you suck. You can pray for God to show you how to best use your gifts as instruments of His righteousness, and you can ask Him to teach you something new about Him and yourself in this place of being so uncomfortable. Then you can wait for your King on your knees where you first met Him. He’ll show up.

18. You are not reading His Word. How can you not be filled with inspiration by His Spirit when reading the history of God’s faithfulness to your people and are you not encouraged by the cloud of saints who have also identified as bondservants of Jesus Christ and have been so empowered by His precious blood? I don’t know . . . maybe this only excites me?

19. You do not have a mentor or close friend to debrief with about your struggles that you don’t know how to easily share with others. You need wisdom more than you know, especially if you are a leader. Perhaps, you’ve made excuses for too many years to not come before others who are wiser and ask them to teach you things. Take the risk, take the time to be humbled by simply asking and sharing.

20. You have lost respect for those who you partner with in ministry. You have become the quiet rebel of the team. In your frustrated brooding, you become increasing angered and isolated. You assume you will not be heard rather than asking God to lead you to a place of humility and love to confront the things you cannot agree with. You are deceived into thinking passivity will lead to a more fruitful ministry than dealing with the things that suck. If God has given you a prophetic role in your team, don’t sit in the corner judging. Rather make it known what He’s telling you in love.

21. You expect so much from yourself and from what YOU will yield from your ministry fields. You’re easily discouraged or frazzled when something doesn’t go as planned. Give it up. You think too highly of yourself and too little of your Lord. Life goes on, and you must be so much more prayerful and reliant on Him.

22. You biforcate your life between what is holy and what is just life. You glorify the juicy religious parts of your life and you cast away the peel seeing it as unimportant. You don’t realize God wants it all. We must be brought completely into rightness with God. Identify where in your life you’re being apathetic and erase the religious boundaries on your life for full consecration. This is somewhat repetitive #11.

23. You have sin in your life that you are ignoring. You tend to focus so much on the goodness you do in your life, the healthy portion of your life, and you fail to address the disease festering on your toe. The toe matters and it infects the entire body. This is definitely repetitive of #22.

24. You are the spiritual rebel. This makes you feel awesome at times because you like being the one who is different, but it also makes you feel so lonely and uncared for. Never stop seeking out those who are like-minded. And so much more during this time, you must be in God’s company constantly. There is at least One who you can talk with about things you care about.

25. Your room is a ridiculous mess. The practical things in your life, the small things you must deal with to maintain a functional life, are in complete chaos. Take time to maintain your friendships, do the dishes, and do your taxes. Maintaining responsibility in the everyday, small things can actually be a good spiritual disciple.

26. You’re overcommitted. You’re working full time, involved in too many peoples lives who expect you to be their best friend, you told a non-profit that you’d do their PR pro bono, your weekends are full of meeting people and other busyness. You no longer find satisfaction in the things you do because you’re always running on low. Slow down. Pray about everything. Be filled with the Spirit who will give you again the capacity to love and the strength to move from desperation into worship.

27. You’ve forgotten how to rest. You’re confusing inspiration from the Spirit with the agitation you now feel to be constantly in motion. Sabbaths are so important. You need to keep these for the pleasure of God. He is so jealous of this time with you. It’s more selfish to choose another lunch date that could wait till next week over your unrushed time of devotion to Him.

28. You’re burned out beyond belief. Just thinking about any activity throws you into depression and anxiety. You just need to stop thinking about activities altogether at this point. You’ve been deceived into thinking of God as a taskmaster rather than the loving God He is.

29. You work incredibly hard and do not know anyone who labors likes you do, but your efforts go unnoticed. Remember who you are wanting to please, why you labor, and take joy in carrying your cross rather than comparing it with others.

30. You are lacking all motivation in life. You’re so overwhelmed and lost. Open the Bible and cry out to Jesus for His Spirit to turn your heart back to Him. He will reveal to you His purpose and direction. Proclaim what you know of your Lord. He’s there, He wants to be glorified, He loves you, He’s awesome, you’re redeem. Start with the tiny bit of faithfulness remaining and with the handful of truths you know.

——————————————————————————————————-
Currently!
. . . so grateful to have had breakfast with Jan Sy this morning.
. . . listening to Jon Foreman’s “Southbound Train” in preparation for going to Oceanside tomorrow morning! And really looking forward to celebrating Easter with Mike and the Schwartz family.
. . . reading A.W. Tozer’s God’s Pursuit of Man
. . . missing family as usual on holidays.
. . . blessed to have played the violin at New Life Church for their Good Friday service this evening.
. . . reflecting on Christ’s broken body on the cross.

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I’ll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

the santa barbara fall choral festival is on friday. i’m actually excited. i started working on this event near the beginning of the school year. we have record numbers! 530 high schoolers. 17 choirs. 15 high schools. 7 clinicians. 4 churches. 2 performances. so much spaghetti. aside from the grunge work, which is the majority of event planning, it’s fun to be a part of something as big as this. and i believe in what we’re doing. providing free choral workshops with stellar, professional clinicians to high school choirs who will be coming from all over California from Salinas to San Marcos for coaching and collaborative performances. sb news-press is going to be so bummed they decided not to media sponsor us!

1000 programs are going to print tomorrow, santa barbara bowl has agreed to have 10+ buses park in their empty lot, directors’ silly last-minute questions are being answered, digital audio recording requests for the performances are agreed upon, choir risers will be delivered on Friday morning, buses are leaving at 5:45pm not 3pm, i don’t think you can walk the distance between the churches in time, i don’t know how much it cost to hem your choir dress, just use pins and that sticky iron-on stuff, you owe me $70, yes there will be room for your grandma to come and watch you, etc.

at the end of every day, i can’t think twice through a workday. i just want to come home, sit with Mike, and eat my homemade breadsticks with Jen’s pesto mixed with spaghetti sauce. work/home/work/home/work/home

hm – but i want to arrive upon december 18, the end of the semester, and say my God is awesome and has been part of everything. at work, at La Cumbre, at the concerts, in the West Side, in the office, at Club, when writing those 3,900 emails, when writing the parent agreement forms, in the youthlife leader meetings, in each conversation with the professors, during my times with the kids. everything unto Him, all things through Him, nothing without Him.

it’s been easy to see ministry outside of work as sacred. it’s not as easy to see work in the office as sanctified. but i’m learning to pray without ceasing. perhaps I can be Home both here and there.

my Lord, what am i about if i’m not honoring you? what is my life worth if i’m not about your business in everything i do? how silly to think i can only honor Christ with a portion of my life. how little i think of you when i assume i was only created to worship this little and to experience only this amount of joy. my Lord, create in me a hunger for more of you and an awful discontentment when there is too little of you. all of me, the little i am, the most i have – i am yours. my Lord, draw me in and guide me Home.

i will laugh with you, my Friend, as the sun rises
i will think of you, my Lord, all throughout today
how sweet is your love for me, soaring towards the crayola heaven
your steadfast friendship sweeps me up and beyond the Butterfly sky

be the best thing ever in my life, my Lord, above the softest kiss
i can’t wait to see your awesome holiness burst forth and paint the day

Sin is about God! I want to swear adamantly here! But that would be too easy and hipster-like to make my Point. Uppercase P because I’m convicted by my waywardness and would be spewing spit if I were saying any of this out loud. But it’s too early in the morning to do this, unfortunately.

Profaning me is stupid but cool and culturally acceptable enough for me to get away with just eye-rolls or a nice little Christian accountability slap. Gripping. No . . . please, really dig me in the ribs the next time you want to convincingly tell me to get my act together.

Profaning God should make me want to throw up and burry my face into the repentance carpet. And profanity is too serious for light-punch accountability from sisters and brothers in Christ! None of us should be smiling or laughing at sin. None of us should take lightly tarnishing the Lord’s holy name.

Okay, I’m giving up things that are profane.

- Bitterness towards others. Silly grudges. Gossip that I will have to account for when I see Him. The Pearly Gate scenario unfolds as follows:

Jesus: “Why did you slander them all the time while you still had a body? Did you know that they’re living a few doors down next to your shack on the corner of Street of Gold and Yellow Brick Road?”
Me: “Oh crap! You made us neighbors?! Well to explain . . . having grudges made me feel good. I didn’t have to deal with hurting as much when I was hurting the other person in my head. And it was more fun among friends to put people in boxes and tease them incessantly for things that they probably grew out of years ago. Wow – I sound so immature.”
Jesus: “Yeah, you do. How was that ever supposed to be glorifying to me? My silly, double-minded servant, enter into your Master’s sorrow over your pathetic pettiness.”
Me: “Yup, I’m an idiot.”

- White lies. Yes, I lie. Most people who care too much about appearing competent do. It’s so unnecessary and so stupid and very embarrassing to admit. At the root of it: Wanting the easy way out and thinking that in the end things are better for it. Wanting to look better than God, desiring the esteem of man over His and my pleasure more than His glorification. This is sin. This is profanity. So ridiculously foolish. I fasted from white lies for Lent once. I lied about not lying to my accountability partner. I’m so stupid. I care so much about me. Me. Me. Me. I need to get over myself and realize I’m going to fail, make mistakes, look foolish, will need to apologize, and will be embarrassed. God’s glory is so much more important than who I appear to be. And who I truly am is what God cares about and who I should care about.

- Idolizing my friendships over my relationship with God. Caring more about loving my friends and receiving love from them so that my priorities become grossly misaligned. Not just like a messed-up spine after sleeping in a bad position for too many years. But like . . . way worse . . . like the little bone disc things are in the wrong places! Wow – I am so not a bio major. I will never make another medical analogy that deviates from me communicating anything sensible. The profanity in this: Being so blind to the glory of God. He deserves to be worshipped and adored. To love and be loved by friends is such an incredible gift, but the question I need to be asking is: Am I loving God and pursuing the Giver of Gifts as much as I pursue and desire the gifts? He loves me so much more than anyone, and He is so much more deserving of my affection!

Okay . . . I’m done with my little personal confession. No! Not little! And I’m not done! I’m trying to stop belittling the weight of sin, and I want to stop seeing repentance as a once-a-week-at-church-before-eating-Jesus thing. Even if they seem small, white, grey, black, purple, fuchsia – sin affects how we see and experience God. We limit God in our sinfulness, and we limit His joy in Himself when we choose to take delight in ourselves over Him.

Bring your little lost lamb Home, my Shepherd.

What?!

You. Are amazing!

More of You. Worship, unceasing prayer, never letting go, everything sacred, discovering You and Your will, direction, confidence, self-sacrifice, no more horrible lukewarm tea, discipline, rejoicing, adoring, devotion, first, savoring, everything, consuming, deepening, intimate, whispered direction, centered, bright eyes, in love, moving inward, moving outward, unrushed time, writing, silenced by Your love, heart that breaks, compassion, peace in chaos, shalom, holding Your hand, delighting, renewal, rhythm, meditating, on my knees, in awe, enraptured, Your majesty, Shepherd, quiet streams, walking, abiding through the valley, never fearing, always with me, Home, dwelling, forever, You, my deepest Love.

Divinely-inspired encouragement.

Hebrews.

Expected bigger, greater things from You.

Expecting spiritual maturity and growth in me.

Becoming familiar again with Your voice.

Identifying and addressing things that distract me from loving You more deeply. Loving You more than anything else in the world. Learning to deepen my affections for You. Caring more about defending my relationship with You more than anything else. Knowing You are jealous for me.

Following hard after You. In everything. Life is too short to be comfortable and lazy for even a day. I will not waste a moment of it being busy about your business but forgetting Your love for me and my love for You. May my Sabbaths be reviving in You. And work of my hands be fruitful. Resting and laboring – all for Your glory.

Prioritizing what matters each day in work, in the West Side, in life, in a week, in a month, in five years, in thirty with eternal perspective. Making wise decisions without forgetting who really matters, how I am nothing without You, how I am even able to live and move and breath.

Bring this stupid sheep Home, my Shepherd.

Father, I want to know Thee, but my coward heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but I do come. Please root from my heart all Those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival. Then shalt Thou make the place of Thy feet glorious. Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

My Toy Box:
My identity not in Christ
Man’s esteem
Relationships
I-am-competent ministry
Independence
Doing things

I like my toys so much. I think it’s stupid that these things are in competition with my God who is way more awesome than my toys.

So, I come trembling, God. But I do come.